Last week I had my 20-week scan and honestly, I could have stared at that little blurry screen for hours. I had a trainee sonographer so the process took a little longer which I took great enjoyment in. I can’t believe that I’m already halfway there. That little misshapen blob that I got a glimpse of at 12 weeks now looks like a proper little person, with tiny toes and everything. She did do a close up of the baby’s skull which did share a few similarities with Lord Voldemort, but let’s just focus on the cute toes for now, shall we?
So we’re having another little girl. I’ll be completely honest I was hoping for a boy. One of each just seems like the perfect package on paper, doesn’t it? Gender Disappointment is a controversial topic, after all, I should be incredibly grateful I can have children at all but that doesn’t make it any less real. I lost someone very important to me during my first trimester which made it terribly difficult and emotional. It’s hard knowing that my nan held Penny but didn’t even get a glimpse of this new baby. Grief affects us all in different ways. I just wanted to hide under my covers, cry and sleep for weeks. Eating seemed like an unnecessary chore and smiling and laughing seemed disrespectful considering our loss. Penny and my baby kept me going. I smiled and had imaginary tea parties with her teddies for her sake and I ate and got out of bed for the sake of this new baby. I’m a daydreamer and in my head, I pictured this baby to help me cope… and I pictured a boy. A cheeky chappy with plump red cheeks and wispy hair. So when I found out that we were going to have a girl, I froze. I was flooded with feelings of guilt and shame. I should be celebrating my new little girl not missing a little boy that never existed.
Thankfully, these feelings soon passed. Penny is going to have a sister. I’m going to have two beautiful little girls with matching pigtails and smiles. What will she be like? What will I call her? What will she call me? Mum, Mummy, Mama? I can’t wait to meet you. I have a little brother. Two sisters is a dynamic I’ve never experienced before and I can’t wait to watch them become best friends.
Gender disappointment isn’t something to feel ashamed of. It’s also not something to be mocked or be judgemental about. It’s something that can take days, weeks, years to get over. Pregnancy is an emotional, confusing mess at times and a mother shouldn’t be pressured into feeling a certain way. Love is love at the end of the day. I never stopped loving my baby, I was just confused and feeling things I couldn’t quite put into words. I’ve already started buying tiny little things which I’m pretty sure Penny thinks are for her dolls. I can’t wait to meet her. My funny little girl.